Why You Shouldn't Love Your Partner Exactly The Way They Are

How To Stand For Your Partners Greatest Success

I would be horrified if Will ever adopted the belief that he should "love me exactly the way I am."

I've had past partners who embraced this mentality—complete acceptance of who I am without challenging me to become the best version of myself. While part of me enjoyed feeling special and perceived as ‘perfect as is’ (lol), I now realize that other parts of me yearned for a partner who would stand beside me, standing for my possibility and artfully pushing me to grow so that I can achieve my most important life aspirations.

It's far too easy to avoid the pains and discomforts of growth. We make excuses, justify our actions, and choose the path of least resistance. Having a partner who is complicit in our avoidance is like putting a nail in the coffin of our personal development. On the other hand, a partner who holds the vision of our greatest potential and helps us strive for it is invaluable. When explicitly do this for each other, we uplevel into an extraordinary partnership where so much more becomes possible.

When we stand for our partner's greatest success, we fully accept them as they are today while also being their greatest ally in their journey of growth. We embrace a sacred, multi-faceted role—acting as a mirror for their greatness and potential, championing their dreams just as fervently as they do, and reminding them of who they are and what they can achieve when they lose sight of it.

Standing our partner’s greatest success also takes many other forms, such as helping them see blind spots, providing support and encouragement, challenging limiting perspectives, seeking resources to overcome obstacles, healing past traumas, and getting external support from a therapist or coach when needed.

Sometimes, it can be challenging to give and receive this level of support and challenge in our partnership. Receiving feedback about our blind spots and being held to a high standard for our hearts, minds, and spirits can be delicate and sensitive. Given this, Will and I have found it essential to have an ongoing explicit agreement that we want this level of support and challenge from one another, and to understand they ways each of us prefer being approached about the harder subjects.

We also use "parts" work, as taught by Richard Schwartz in his Internal Family Systems model, to navigate more sensitive topics. The idea is that each of us has many different "parts" of varying ages and development levels. While we deeply love and accept each other's parts, we don't let the rogue, young, and wounded ones run the show, at least not for very long. Instead, we provide them with the support, challenges, and tools they need to see new possibilities, heal old wounds, and release roles that no longer serve us as adults.

For example, if a part of me believes I'm not good enough to achieve an important goal, I might unconsciously sabotage my efforts. Will often recognizes when this part is in control before I can see it, and together we figure out what it needs so I can move forward in a more productive and powerful way.

In essence, the concept of loving your partner exactly as they are can hinder both of you from reaching your fullest potential. By embracing growth and challenging each other, you foster a partnership that supports each person in becoming the greatest version of themselves. This approach creates a unique relationship that is dynamic, evolving, and deeply fulfilling on many levels.

Check out The Art Of We podcast episode #83 to hear more on this topic!